Your 2025 Rifflandia Horoscope, as Told by Perogy Cat
By Gareth Gaudin (@gareth_gaudin on Instagram)
Aries (Ram): March 21–April 19
Here come old Aries, they come groovin' up slowly. They got ju-ju eyeball, they one holy roller. They got hair down to their knee. They’ve got to be a joker, they just do what they please.
Taurus (Bull): April 20–May 20
You’re asking Taurus will their love grow? I don’t know, I don’t know. You stick around, now, it may show? I don’t know, I don’t know. That’s bull. SOMEBODY knows.
Gemini (Twins): May 21–June 21
If a Gemini were alone at night, on a darkened, foggy street, between crumbling buildings of Lovecraftian description, would they be frightened or would they be the reason another person was frightened? That’s a question that only a Gemini can answer. They could be either, both, or neither. But no matter what, they’re IN THE DARKENED STREET. I heard a scream… you look good in that lighting. “HORROR-scopes,” am I right?
Cancer (Crab): June 22–July 22
In a pinch, Cancer people will gladly scuttle to the rescue of their friends. Because underneath their hard exterior lies a delicious heart of buttery kindness, a carpus of love, and a dactyl of safe haven that they will use to claw their way to you in rain or shine. Abdomen and propodus too. The salt water helps your swim bladder in unique and refreshing ways. Oh, and buy a lottery ticket.
Leo (Lion): July 23–August 22
The famed “Monster Sister” Lyra Gotham is a Leo and, if her demeanour is indicative, then ALL LEOS are swashbuckling adventurers with a perpetual action frown, a zest for trouble, and an eye for vengeance. Godspeed, little Leo. The world trembles at the very thought of you.
Virgo (Virgin): August 23–September 22
Let me tell you a secret, Virgo. Besides being suave, stylish, globetrotting, and lovely, you are also an undercover werewolf in disguise. I can’t believe this is where and how you’re finding out this devastating news, but c’mon, a full moon approaches and you’re bound to find out eventually. Be brave. Learn to howl.
Libra (Balance): September 23–October 23
Libra! During the second Great War, scientists near the coast intercepted and deciphered Morse Code mysteriously beeping out your name from a ghost ship adrift at sea and still nobody knows why. Are you intrigued? Follow the coordinates hidden in the next clock you look at. It’s all adding up.
Scorpio (Scorpion): October 24–November 21
You shall receive a giant windfall, settlement or inheritance before too long. If you are bequeathed a castle in Scotland, take it. If you are bequeathed ANYTHING, take it! Avoid sharks in the open ocean though. There’s no connection there but it’s true. Sharks are even scarier than a bequeathed Scottish castle at night. You’ve been warned.
Sagittarius (Archer): November 22–December 21
Using the ancient art of the tarot to attempt to discern meaning about Sagittarius, I’ve unexpectedly learned some dark truths. Firstly, you have all dogeared a book at least once in your life (shockingly at the bottom corner no less) and, secondly, you all enjoy a warm beverage on a cold day and a cold beverage on a warm day. You’re living a good life Sagittarius. The cards foretold it. Monster Sister, Enid Jupiter, is a Sagittarius. You’re in good company.
Capricorn (Goat): December 22–January 19
The Perogy Cat is a local character, made of ink and paper, who roams the Rifflandia grounds among you. If you look closely—you may find them, and if you play your cards right they may put you in their daily cartoon. Capricorn THRIVES on such potential attention, I’ve read, and I highly suspect you’re looking around for your chance to become a cartoon right now…
Aquarius (Water Bearer): January 20–February 18
I love Rifflandia and I trust that you do too, dear Aquarius. How many Rifflandias have you been to? What was your favourite performance? Write to me and let me know, as I care what you think. I think the WHOLE WORLD cares what you think actually, and I suggest you get a podcast or a radio show and project your thoughts outwards quickly. The world needs more of YOU. C’mon!
Pisces (Fish): February 19–March 20
I’m a Pisces and I’m a cartoonist. If you told me YOU’RE a Pisces and YOU’RE a cartoonist too, I’d believe you because it seems like a natural fit. If you went on to tell me that you also wrote horoscopes for Rifflandia, I’d start to question what is real though. There can’t be TWO of us out there doing this. Anyways, congratulations on being a Pisces. Your secret word is “Radicool.”
– Gareth Gaudin. Gareth Gaudin is a cartoonist from Victoria, BC who runs Legends Comics, draws every day, and has never missed a Rifflandia.